What Is Wrong With Me?

God What is wrong with me?

Hello everyone.  I know, I am as shocked as you are that I am writing a blog post.  I know that you have not seen much from me in the past months.  I am not sure if I should explain why that is  but I will try to explain it as much as I can.  I must be very careful of my words so that I do not hurt anyone else's feelings or cause offense in any way for anyone.

Believe it or not I have actually considered shutting down Texasdaisey Creations.  I wouldn't ever hit delete or anything and I wouldn't even stop paying for my .com.  I would simply leave it in park and walk away.  I can not promise that won't still happen.  I am still not certain where it is going.  This is an unusual thing for me.  I am a very goal oriented person.  I need a vision of what it can possibly be before I will pay the price, set out on the journey and do the work to accomplish anything.  Without that vision (goal) you can just forget about getting much out of me.  To complicate things I must also be convinced that it is "my vision".  I tend to be very much able to see what can be for other people.  

Many months ago I stepped away from more than just my blog.  I stepped away from many of the things I was doing in my life and even stepped away from church (Horror of horrors!)  I felt a lack of life, joy and vision in many of the things that had seemed such a clear path before.  As someone who has experienced depression, I knew this was NOT depression.  It was not really about my emotions at all. It was something spiritual  going on inside me.  (Here is where I have to be very careful)  Please understand that my relationship with God was not and is not suffering.  I have continued to passionately pursue Him and press into Him even more than ever.

I live in a small Texas town.  For those of you who do not understand, let me just say that one simply does not just step away from those kinds of things in a community like this without comment or notice from someone.  "It just isn't done!"  Normally, I would expect that someone would be having committee or prayer meetings to discuss what they needed to do to fix whatever was wrong with me.  Would you believe that I have not received one text, note, phone call, visit, true conversation, or even a reach out on social media about it?  The closest I came was someone mentioning that they had been concerned about me.  I began to explain that I had been going through a lot, and before I could get into the deeper conversation  (I was willing to have it) they said, "I know" and walked away. I am as shocked as can be about it.  I am not offended, mad, hurt or feeling anything negative about it.  I am simply shaking my head wondering about it.

Maybe it is how it all happened that was part of how I have flown under the radar? Because of family, travel, and a few health issues, I have been a spotty church attender the past few years. My husband has continued to attend as always.  When I first made the conscious decision to step away, I didn't explain it even to him (I still haven't...I wonder if he or anyone else will even read this post?)  In all these months I have continually questioned God, "What is wrong with me?"  Honestly, this question has come up a lot for the past 15 years.  

It took me a while to finally figure out that it was God.  He wanted me alone with Him.  He has been doing a deep deep work inside of me.  There has been emotional healing and things happen in my spiritual life that I can't even share with anyone because they are so deep.  I do not know where this is going (my blog or my life path).  I don't really know how to explain all of it to anyone to help them understand.  It has been almost like Elijah or David in their caves.

I do know that I am not going back to how it was before.  I know I am where I am supposed to be.  I know I am not out of sync with God. I know I am not the only one this has happened to.  I know that suddenly last week it was like God switched something on inside me.  Creativity, joy, energy, focus, and more suddenly burst out of me in the most unexpected suddenly way.  I am so excited that it is hard to stay asleep even. I don't have a clear vision yet.  I smell it though like the rain on a lovely spring day after a long harsh winter.  I smell it and I know the vision will come along.  Until then, I will enjoy the rush of creativity welling up inside me.  I will run to the floodgates and wait for God to open them fully for me to capture what new thing He is doing.  I will NOT miss that wave!  I will ride it like a boss and I will enjoy every minute.

Oh, and by the way...you can expect some changes here at Texasdaisey Creations in the days ahead.  I don't know yet what they will be but I do know they are coming so get ready...(this is your chance to walk away if you need to.  It's OK, I won't be mad.  I will even understand in that "I can't really explain it kind of way." )

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Brandy said...

Big hugs to you

Brandy said...

Hi Debbie, I just wanted to send you a virtual hug of support. I understand the blessed feeling of working one on one with God, but also understand the confusion that can come from your situation. If you ever want to talk or just catch up. Let me know and I will send you my contact info. �� Brandy Walker

FlowerLady Lorraine said...

God's continued blessings on you as you draw ever closer to Him. I thank you for sharing what is going on in your life. Your excitement at the end of your post made me feel excited. I too, am waiting to see where God is leading me.

Love, hugs & prayers for you ~ FlowerLady

Anonymous said...

Bless you and may our Lord’s light guide you on your journey to wherever He Is leading you. Happy New Year.

Unknown said...

Many blessings to you. I really think we all go through sometime similar. It fine to question, everything. Take time off from your scheduled actives, take a class, go to school, meet new people; go for a weekend drive. Or just go for a hike; well a nice trail and go for a walk. For me all of the above help at one time or another. Some times we feel we are in a route. Same old, Same old. When I was overseas because of work, I realized that I have not traveled or taken a decent vacation. The following year, I did take one, and it does make a difference. Experiencing new things is awesome. Well any ways, just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one who goes through this. God bless.

LadyTammyJames said...

I love you cousin.