3.13.2013

The Bachelor and The Rose Ceremony

I sit here watching the popular t.v. show, The Bachelor as I write this post.  I watch this rose ceremony with a jaded eye because right now many women are swooning about how romantic it is.  I can completely get where they are coming from but having been married 30+ years I can't help but shake my head and wonder if this is a rose worth getting.  This couple has been born out of a t.v. show which is hard enough on a couple along with the publicity they will receive, but this woman has been in a house full of other women trying to catch the eye of only 1 man to go around.  I am sorry but I do not give this couple much hope for having a lasting relationship.  Don't get me wrong.  I hope they do.  I hate seeing people get their hearts broken.  I just won't be surprised if we find out that out in the real world they are not able to make it work.  Please don't think I am not a romantic.  I love romance.  I enjoy romantic movies, music, and meals.  I long to be swept  off my feet and to receive romantic words or to go out on a romantic date just like every other girl.  It is just that after a lifetime of marriage, I realize that a marriage shouldn't start out on such an uneven place.  I know you are wondering how two people who love each other are uneven.
First of all this woman had no chance to be her true self with this man.  There wasn't a chance for that because she had to be on her best game with him otherwise she might not get a rose and the other women in the competition were all more than willing to put out their best side.  I also have to question if she has ever seen him not at his best.  Have they had an argument or disagreement?  Has he seen her with bedhead and no makeup?  Has he seen her cry ugly?  Has she seen him angry or when he is tired and irritable?  Has she seen him when he is under pressure to get a job done and no time for playing? Do they really know each other if they only see the very best side?
When dating, people tend to put on their best face naturally but through that dating process in real life, there are things that should give the couple a little peek behind the mask. I am not suggesting that they are being fake just that it is only one part of their personality.  No person has only one part.  There is always more.  When I was married my dear hubby chose me knowing the ugly part of me as well as the pretty.  He had seen me very very angry. (I threw my ring at him angry) He knew I wouldn't let a fight lay down till I felt we had aired it out completely (there are not going to be any pink elephants on my table and me not talk about it).  I knew that he would prefer to walk away and avoid the fight.(Ignore the pink elephant and maybe it will go away)  He knew I was confrontational.  I knew he was passive resistant.  He knew I didn't always like to wear makeup every single day but then other days I liked to dress up.  He knew I wasn't perfect and yet he still chose me.  I knew he wasn't perfect and I still chose him.  We have learned considerably more about each other over the years and we have both changed in many ways some good ways, and some bad ways; and yet we both choose to stay together.
We have had many happy years together.  We have had sad times, funny times, passionate times, fun times, angry times, boring times, and lots more.  One thing I have learned is that it still takes just as much work today to keep it together as it did when we started this marriage.  Marriage does not ever get to a place where you can just let the wheel go and let it drive itself because it will drive itself right off the road.  Another thing I have learned is that it takes being real with each other and communication.  How could she truly communicate her fears, or anger, or anything not positive to him without fear of losing out on the rose ceremony?  After the cameras are off and all the other women have moved on will she still want him when she sees behind the "Handsome Bachelor Facade".  Will he still be as attracted to her when he sees her quirks and cracks.  No matter how perfect they may seem there is no perfect person.
There is also the matter of what they do see at the moment.  Many people enter marriage thinking they can have a "fixer up" mate.  I hate to be the bearer of bad news but that won't work either.  Every time my hubby or I try to "fix" the other it ends in a huge disaster.  It never goes like the "fixer" thinks it will.  My best advice to my children on this matter has been confirmed to me by 2 of my three children so far. (the youngest hasn't married yet).  Take a good look at them right now because that is the best they are ever going to be.  What does that mean?  That means when you are dating someone then you are seeing them at their best.  When you get married you will not always see that best (Lots of time without that best) so you better take a close look and decide if what you see when they are at their best is good enough because it probably will not get better.  I am not saying they won't become better; only that if they do, it will not be because their spouse "fixed them up."
My definition of love is seeing the good, the bad, the ugly and still CHOOSING to love them despite it all.  Love is NOT a feeling.  Love is a choice.  I choose to love my dear hubby even when I look over at him asleep with his mouth open.  He chooses to love me even though I snore (don't tell him I admitted to that) We choose to love each other despite the size of our waistlines or the size of our bank account, or the color of our hair.  We have seen much in our life together and we still choose each other. That is true love.  I hope the couple from The Bachelor will take some time to really get to know each other before stepping into a marriage (even if it is paid for by the network).  I hope that if they choose to be married it will not be with rose colored glasses on, that hide the warts, but that it is with their eyes wide open and because they choose each other despite it all.  Now that would be a ceremony worth seeing and a rose worth getting.
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